334–A New Hope

Heather

Mother, knitter, spinner, writer, wife, weaver, host...not necessarily in that order...

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5 Responses

  1. Hey Heather,

    I’m catching up on the “North and South” episodes and you were talking before what to say to someone going through a difficult situation.

    I suffered a miscarriage (in my tenth week of pregnancy) twelve years, just before my husband and I would have celebrated our first year of marriage. You’re right. There were a lot of hurtful things said to me, but the worst were those individuals in my life that said and did nothing at all.

    It’s funny, because what I remember from that time period was that a co-worker had been out a few days with out-patient surgery (had a polyp removed from her nose or something like that) and had received flowers and a ‘get well card’ from the office. I was out recovering from losing my baby and I didn’t even receive a phone call asking how I was doing. I cried my eyes out on the phone with my wonderful mother-in-law who explained to me that they probably did nothing because they were afraid of upsetting me and making the situation worse.

    I think the best thing that one can say to someone going through a difficult time is simply, “I’m sorry” and to be a listening ear if that person needs to cry or scream or whatever way they choose to express their feelings.

    • Heather says:

      Good Grief. I cannot imagine watching that dichotomy… and while I’m sure that folks really did just Not Want To Bring Up Something Painful… oy! Thank you for sharing this. I know, for me, learning that saying something as simple as “I’m so sorry” is better than saying nothing at all for fear of upsetting someone is important. And, not surprisingly, CraftLit people seem to have lots of good and important insights to share.
      Thank you. And I am sorry you had to go through that.

  2. janalee (knitsNhikes on ravelry) says:

    when my youngest son died (6 years ago now, he was a baby, it was an accident), there were a lot of well-meant comments that were hurtful.
    but you asked for the helpful things, and this is what i’d like to share here. first of all, the simple phrase “I’m so sorry,” was wonderful. hugs were wonderful. my husband and i went to arrange the funeral, and some friends of mine took my other kids to build-a-bear and helped them make a stuffed animal each, in remembrance of their little brother. that was so helpful and thoughtful. they still have those stuffed animals. meals were good.
    also, having people ask about my son (if i had pictures, what my favorite memories were, stuff like that) comforted me quite a bit. i very much like the idea of just sitting together with the person who is in pain, and letting them talk.

    • Heather says:

      I can’t imagine anything harder than what you went through. Not a thing. What wonderful friends you had to take the kids to Build-a-Bear. I’ll bet 90% of us would be afraid to ask about pictures for fear of making it hurt worse, but I’m sure that–were I in that position–remembering and keeping my baby alive through pictures and stories would be a wonderful thing. A reader on MamaOKnits wrote that “It hurts as much as it is worth,” which, like this, made me burst into tears—but in a good way—because it’s true.

      Thank you so much for sharing your story, JanaLee. You are amazing.